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Time doesn't change... nor does its challenge to caregivers... |
This woman's father had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.A month earlier, he’d had a full checkup, receiving a clean bill of health given his age and previous health challenges. The new diagnosis surprised everyone. The disease was moving swiftly. After all his doctors consulted, they advised the man’s wife to call the children. This was only days after he woke up ‘not feeling quite right.’The daughter lived nearby but the son lived hours away. The family gathered and the news was shared.
With the doctors giving him perhaps only days to live, his family felt they had literally one business day to get his affairs in order. The dying man was able to give his family direction in how he wanted things handled, including what casket he’d like, and what details needed to be in his will. Trudging through their shock and grief they did it all – in one day. The son stayed on, waiting. He stayed, and stayed, and stayed. Eventually he was put into a situation no one wants to deal with. He had to return to work and his life hours down the highway, knowing he might not see his father again.
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Miles add to caregiver stress. |
1. Talk it out: When life is ending or health challenges make you feel that you might miss your chance to say something important, don’t wait. Say what needs to be said. Leaving issues unresolved increases stress and makes grieving more difficult. If you are fearful that bringing up a sensitive topic might upset your loved one, realize that it might be on his/her mind too. Or, once you’ve cleared the air, you can tell them how much it meant to you to be able to do that. That in turn, gives them a valuable sense of peace.
2. Admit it: Admit to your self that it hurts to be in this position. Sometimes admitting the pain that you feel as a caregiver relieves pressure. Too often, caregivers paste that smile of “all is fine” over their inner turmoil and push their feelings aside. Those feelings only fester – let them out.
3. Stay connected: When you have to leave your loved one, make sure you feel as comfortable as you can about your ability to stay in the information loop. Talk to the others involved in care to set up your lines of communication. Perhaps now is time to add that texting or email plan to your cell service so you can get updates more regularly than you’d have time to otherwise. You can always cancel it later if needed, but the extra money spent in the short term may buy you a sense of security that will help you cope.
4. Create your safety net: Long distance caregivers need a support system too. You need your boss and friends to know what you’re going through and be ready to help when time comes. Knowing that key people in your life are on alert to support you when you get “the call” brings peace of mind.Whether it is setting up a work-from-the-road or a leave time flexibility plan with your boss, or backups for your carpool duty, give yourself the support you need to be the caregiver you want to be.
We can’t change time, and in crisis situations we can’t do much about the miles between us and our loved ones, but relief from pressure, guilt, and anxiety can be part of your plan as a long distance caregiver.